Michael Malice title

Why I Hate UPS



John Glenn once said, "Second comes right after first!" Apparently he has never had to deal with UPS...

I read the Psychopath's Bible, a book that teaches you how to be "extreme." Despite the author's assertions, becoming detached from other people does not have happiness as a cause, nor does such power lead to pleasure. Although one point hit close to home, given that they have no idea who they are dealing with at work: "The psychopath must be able to act as if he is socialized while, at the same time, quietly observing and acting from a position of social indifference."

I'm quoted as an authority on St. Alexander in the current issue of CoinAge magazine.

Man it's great knowing older (than me) people who know what they're talking about and have been through it before. Thanks for your e-mail; it was a big comfort.

But why you would be reading this lame page is beyond me.

Why I Want John Kerry to Win

I have never, ever rooted for a Democrat for any office. And I'm not rooting for Kerry. But I hope he defeats Bush. (Actually, I hope Bush dies and some quality Republican takes his place.)

Here's why:

Back in '97, I got into a big discussion with Tom Jenney about political strategy. I was a committed Republican and thought that his condemnation of the GOP was unfair. We hadn't had a Republican President and Congress since 1952 (and Eisenhower was hardly a right-winger); before that it was Hoover.

Well, my scenario came true. Before I get to that, let me flash back to the Balanced Budget Amendment. Some Democrats were putting forth the excuse that they would vote for it if it had an exception for Social Security. Rush Limbaugh pointed out--smartly--that this would be absurd, because then every bill would be called the "Federal Social Security Highway bill" or the "EPA Social Security Bill" as a way of ducking the amendment.

Let us cut to now. Bush says that, excluding Defense, spending isn't increasing by such a large amount. Spending shouldn't be increasing at all. Is not ONE department or cabinet superfluous? And here I come back to what Rush said. By what logic is defense spending not to be considered in rate of government growth? Are the tax dollars not the same? It is a matter of priorities; if an increase in defense spending is so urgent (which I'm not sure it is), then you cut other programs to pay for it. You don't pretend it "doesn't count." (It was because of the prescription drug bill that I finally did not consider myself a Republican.)

The last time the rate of government grew at a reasonable rate (0%) was when Clinton and the GOP congress deadlocked. A Democratic president would give the GOP fredoom to be right-wing crazies, like they should be, and fight White House-sponsored programs. But even this would not be enough to get me to hope Kerry wins (this is not an endorsement nor support; I don't believe in voting or that the President represents citizens).

The major major reason why I hope Kerry wins is to keep the nascent Fuehrer Hillary out of the White House. If he wins, the next time she can run is 2012 (when she's in her mid-60s.)

IRONY ALERT: As I typed this, I discovered that Tom is running for office...as a Republican.

The fish came. I was taking out the trash at the exact moment the clueless DHL guy was trying to deliver them to the medical plaza next door (which for no reason has the same building number as the apartments.)

They SUCK.

The leaffish is brown, and not yellow.

The sea robin is tiny and will be inhaled by the angler sooner rather than later.

The moray is not "viper" at all, just a gray eel.

OK, the brotulid is kind of cool, but its cryptic and I'm never going to see it.

UPDATE:
If you guessed that it's the sea robin's head stretching out the angler's stomach, you're right. It only took 5 minutes for the angler to eat it!

I now know brotulids taste bad. How? Becuase it's been attacked by the eel, lobster and boxfish. The eelrecoiled and shook its head to get the flavor out of its mouth. Then the burrfish started eyeing it. And for some reason, the brotulid refuses to go into a cave.

I predict the eel will jump out of the tank despite my best efforts within a week, leaving me with a tiny and very expensive leaffish.

UPDATE (2): Brotulid and leaffish: gone. Just a stupid fucking Purplemouth Moray that they sold as a Viper Moray, which is not only a separate species but a separate genus. YES I AM A LOSER but at least I'm living it and not reading about it.

I had a dream where I got a bunch of cell phone messages, one of which was a chick I hooked up with telling me that I had no decency.

Also I had to call the cops because my dad and granddad were going with my grandma to help her commit suicide. This was after I was running from them because they were part of a scam with someone suing someone. I was on the jury in the case, which was deadlocked 5 to 5 at which point I had to admit that I hadn't been listening to any of the testimony.

Then the phone rang at 8:36, waking me up. In my frazzled state I thought it was tomorrow and I was 1/2 an hour late for the meeting, which is at 10. Thankfully it wasn't work calling to check up on me.

E-mail of the Day

"Very happy to see you are still the same vindictive being as ever!" --(Old college buddy who is going to be in the biography)

Two people have now told me that "I have often heard you referred to as fascinating, but never ordinary."

Well, at least I wasn't alluded to as an Average Joe! (=hideous troll)

Addendum

There will be a story about me in the issue of Splendor coming out this fall, and it's a story that first appeared on these pages (it also sets up the bio nicely).

As a present to myself for yesterday's news I ordered some fish today. The web store finally got in a Sea Robin in a moment of synchronicity (I've been waiting for weeks for one).

I got a:


Yellow Sailfin Leaffish, which flops from side to side like a sea fan in the current (even when the water is calm)


Viper Eel, which has a curved lower jaw and hence cannot fully close its mouth


Brotulid, an almost never kept species which hovers in place (and might bear live young)


Sea Robin, which crawls on the bottom using its "fingers" to pry in crevices or flies through the water on its wings
Hopefully 3 of the 4 survive. That eel is going to do its darnedest to jump out of the tank, as eels are wont to do.

An actual conversation from work yesterday:

N: Can we postpone tomorrow's meeting?
D: Why?
N: Bill can't make it.
D: Why?
N: He has something to do with JPM.
D: What?

Also going to the bathroom was referred to as a "bio-break." Nice.

I went to McDonald's yesterday (long day at work, too busy to go further) and asked for their chicken sandwich, no mayo.

I get home.

I have: a bun, lettuce and tomato, the bun having had mayo on it and then wiped off. No chicken.

What am I, Ziggy?

It's Official!!!

From Newsarama:

American Book Award-winning comic book writer and pop-culture icon Harvey Pekar has signed with Ballantine Editor Chris Schluep to write three original graphic novels for Ballantine Books. In addition, Ballantine will publish an anthology of the best of Pekar’s previously published stories from his critically acclaimed autobiographical comic book series, American Splendor. Pekar—whose quirky comic books have long had a cult following—gained international prominence last year after the extraordinary critical success of the Fine Line Features film American Splendor, which was based upon Pekar’s comic book of the same name. The film won the Sundance Film Festival’s Grand Jury Prize, the International Film Critics Association Award at Cannes International, and was film was nominated for an Academy Award for Best Adapted Screenplay. American Splendor went on to be listed on over 200 national and international Top Tens lists.

“Harvey deserves every bit of recognition he’s gotten,” said Schluep. “The past year reads like one of Harvey's own stories—after decades of tireless work, he finds himself suddenly pronounced an overnight success.”

Ballantine became interested in having Pekar write original graphic novels after publishing a successful film tie-in edition for American Splendor. “It was wonderful to publish Harvey on our list last summer,” said Jennifer Osborne, Ballantine’s Director of Licensing, who originally brought Pekar to Ballantine. “With the movie release, the world was re-introduced to a unique voice. By publishing in trade paperback format, with distribution into the mainstream bookstore channel, Ballantine is able to bring that unique voice to even more readers.”

“The first book is a sequel of sorts to American Splendor,” said Schluep, “and will chronicle Harvey and his family’s extraordinary experiences in making the film.” This title, together with the anthology of previously published materials, is scheduled for release in Fall 2004.

“The second two graphic novels will be biographical, rather than autobiographical,” Schluep continued, “and will be based upon the lives of two fascinating but ordinary individuals that Harvey met during his American Splendor film experience.” These are tentatively due to be released in Fall 2005 [that's me!] and Fall 2006.

Pekar’s wife and sometimes-collaborator, Joyce Brabner, was thrilled by the new publishing partnership with Ballantine. “People have been frustrated for the last ten years or so. They’ve known Harvey’s around, they’ve known he’s alive, but they can’t find his stuff anywhere. Now, publishing with Ballantine, the work will have a much wider distribution and Harvey will find a much broader audience. And now," Brabner added with a grin, “we can at last afford to add protein to our diet.”

For more information about Harvey Pekar, visit his website at www.harveypekar.com. For more information about the film American Splendor, visit www.americansplendormovie.com.

Comic Book Resources includes this footer:

About Ballantine Books:

Ballantine Books, an imprint of the Random House Publishing Group, is one of America’s largest publishers of hardcover, trade paperback, and mass market paperback books. Founded in 1952, Ballantine was acquired by Random House, Inc. in 1973. Its imprints include Ballantine Books, Ballantine Reader’s Circle, Del Rey, Del Rey/LucasBooks, Fawcett, Ivy, One World, Strivers Row and Presidio Press. For more information about Ballantine, please visit our website at www.ballantinebooks.com.

UPDATE:

Things I Want to Happen as a Consequence

In decreasing order of likelihood:

1) Do a book signing
2) Be recognized on the street (DONE, because of stand-up)
3) Be interviewed for an article about me
4) Do a photo shoot (DONE, because of Jinx)
5) Be chosen as Laissez-Faire Books' Selection of the Month
6) Give a talk to Cato donors
7) Meet any or all of the following: Josie Cotton, Clare Grogan, Joyce DeWitt, Amy Sedaris, one of the Go-Go's (esp. Jane or Gina)
8) Be invited to give a talk at Bucknell
9) Do a book tour
10) Be written up in a national magazine (DONE, your privacy is being respected, sir)
11) Make Page Six
12) Do the Daily Show
13) Become some kind of anarchist talking head
14) Get my own "outrageous" political talk show
15) Become King of the Morlocks

UPDATE (2): We also made MSNBC.

I came up with the best idea for a novel yesterday, which I might write before Infidel.

I always think about how Rose Wilder Lane supposedly wrote the stellar The Discovery of Freedom in like three days in a "white heat." I really want to see if I can do that. It feels like I can with this project.

I finally beat Zuma.

I'm going to call the producer this afternoon. I haven't been this nervous about calling someone since I asked out Sheri Hanson in 1994.

UPDATE: It's done. My phone rang while I was on-line, breaking my web connection. It was a wrong number, which I took as a signal to call him. He was very friendly, hasn't read it but told me to call back in 3 weeks.

When I was in Phoenix in the fall of 2002, I made my hosts take me to all the used books stores. As one of the shopowners commented, the dry climate made for excellent preservation of antiquarian titles. I settled on a copy of Trilby, the Fairy of Argyle as my souvenir. It was a brief 19th Century children's book. Sadly, though the physical book has held up perfectly, the purple text leaves much to be desired.

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I love love love the title Look Homeward, Angel, but from everything I've seen I'm going to hate hate hate the book when I get around to reading it in a month or so.