Michael Malice title

Check Your Premises

My fellow interns '97 at The Cato Institute never understood why I considered Arianna Huffington to be the most evil woman in America. She was "a good conservative", ran the Center for Effective Compassion, and later was the allegedly right-wing counterpart to Al Franken for Comedy Central.

Now, after making her husband waste $millions in his failed CA senate race, turning him gay and divorcing him, she's thinking of running for Governor.
As a Democrat.
And the pundits are reporting she's too left-wing to capture a majority.

There must have been some way that I could have made money on this prediction. Similarly, I predict that Anakin Skywalker will become Darth Vader in the next Star Wars flick.

Never judge a band by a 15 sec. snippet...went to see Calamine's first show in 3 years based on their infectious theme song for SeaLab. It was douche pop, sappy lyrics in a weak whiny female voice. We couldn't take it and left after 2 songs.

Then two of my friends staged an intervention. I had gotten too thin and seemed "undernourished." Solution: I bought a box of Raspberry Newtons and ate them.

I getting all 80s-ed out, so I'm getting a Diner's Club card. The site hasn't been updated in 3 years, they are hurting.

I've been invited yesterday to be a partner on what could possibly be the funniest thing to come along since the Onion. This has the potential to be insanely huge...I was so excited I could barely fall asleep, and when I woke up my first thought was literally "Wait, I'm excited about something, what is it again?" To be revealed in the next week...

Q: Why call the new album The Curse of Blondie?
Chris Stein: Because every time something horrendous would happen, Deb and I would go 'It's the fucking curse of Blondie again!' It's tongue in cheek - every band has their curse.

Yeah, I know.

E. Nesbit's phenomenal Five Children and It is being turned into a sure to be unwatchable film. (Thanks to Epic Diyom for the link).

Big thanks to the seven people pointed out to me the recent NY Times piece on Amy Sedaris. If I had known that you all were actually paying attention, maybe I'd actually watch what I was saying.

My bedroom door. (Seriously).

The Jinx of Invisible Frontier

Resolved: Corey Hart is overdue for a comeback.

Last night was the phenomenal conclusion to my two-part co-party with the Jinx Society. The biggest news--besides the publication of their book and Hillary's Scheme--was that today's Time Out New York has a 2-page spread on the book. My congratulations pale in comparison to your accomplishments, but I offer them all the same.

"So what does one do with these 'books'?"
"You open them up and look at the pictures, silly!"

"As soon as I'm done selling books," Malice schemed, "I'll go chat up these chicks."

"Do let's ruin Malice's life, Lefty."
"Let's, LB!"

I once had an _atheist_ doing a spit-take when I asserted that no rational person can look at the Chrysler Building and still believe in God. It's the most beautiful thing in the world.

"...and that's why my head turns into a tomato when I get drunk."

The men behind the book mockup.

There is perhaps no better metaphor for the existentialist view of life than Albert Camus' The Plague. The helplessness to change one's environs; the ephermal nature of life; the need to struggle to define one's self; the acausal nature of bad things happening to people (Camus died in a car crash). But if the metaphor is brilliant, the plot is not. Nothing much happens, the plague retreats as absurdly as it arrives, and strangers die. There is a provocative scene in the lessening of burail standards and the recycling of coffins, as well as one about the acting troupe who, trapped in the town, perform the same play every week--to sellout crowds. I've been profoundly affected by Camus philosophically, but his writing is always lacking something; there's never a desire to entertain the reader.

"[A]n author has more rights than ordinary people, as everybody knows. People will stand much more from him."

"[I]f he believed in an all-powerful God he would cease curing the sick and leave that to Him. But no one in the world believed in a God of that sort; no, not even Paneloux, who believed that he believed in such a God. And this was proven by the fact that no one ever threw himself on Providence completely."

I read the grossly mistitled Big Business, Efficiency and Fascism. The book is a statistical analysis showing that larger companies are less efficient (i.e., earn a lower rate of return on capital). This of course is not news but the law of dimishing returns, which is part of Economics 103 (I don't know why they didn't call it 101 at Bucknell). Fascism is not addressed, and having 30 pages (of 200) on the sugar and milk industries data makes it particularly mindnumbing.

There is one great quote: "If competition is cruel life is cruel. And if mankind cannot survive competition it does not deserve to live."

Dr. Malice's House of Dysgenics

This week I'll be talking about various horrific birth defects to prove that if God exists, he is a sadist of exquisite cruelty.

Cri du Chat Syndrome is French for cat-cry...syndrome. These babies' cries are weak and mewling, such that they sound like cats more than human beings. One can only shudder at what it must have been like for a woman in the 1600s to be awakened by the sounds of a feline emanating from her newborn. Retardation ranges from moderate to profound (as in "Jeff is profoundly retarded"). Most never learn to speak but all can communicate. Chronic constipation is common.

"Meow meow meow meow, meow meow meow meow."

Next Stop Puberty

Though officially ensconced in my late 20s, I am still endowed with a Dorian Gray-like inability to age. To wit: I went to the sushi place on 8th St. where NYU students get 10% off. And without even asking me for ID (or if I was a student!), the cashier deducted the money.

Dr. Malice's House of Dysgenics

This week I'll be talking about various horrific birth defects to prove that if God exists, he is a sadist of exquisite cruelty.

Happy Puppet Syndrome is the now-politically incorrect term for Angelman Syndrome. The 'happy' part refers to the fact that these severely retarded children are always laughing and smiling regardless of any stimulation. This, in and of itself, is horrific enough--just visualize it for a moment. But the 'puppet' refers to the the fact that the kids tend to hold their arms up and flexed while walking, a la marionettes. Other symptoms include an attraction to/fascination with water and frequent drooling.

"OK, you can stop smiling for the camera."

The EU has relegalized absinthe. It was the Blue Fairy who turned me into a real honest-to-goodness boy those many years back, and now it's time to meet her Green Fairy sister.